PREPARE to delve deep into the weird and wonderful world of Sleaze Kidneys; a band so terrifyingly bonkers you wouldn’t be completely mad to write them off as a figment of your imagination. Having declared 2017 as ‘the year of the sludge’, the madcap three-piece consisting of cousins Alfie, Derek and Clive, have certainly made a distinct impression over the past few months; their live appearances may be rare, but they have become so notorious that they must be seen to be believed.

Now ready to slink out from the shadows once again, it’s fair to say that the crowds at this year’s Tenement Trail should brace themselves for what’s in store. Bearing a mysteriously elusive presence up until now, the band have so far preferred to communicate with fans through a series of deranged social media posts as opposed to recorded music. And with a growing cult following and an unpredictable live show that knows no bounds, it won’t be long before more people are welcomed into their dark, sludgy, intimate world.

So who are Sleaze Kidneys? Where did they come from? What can we expect? A band like no other, we caught up with the three-piece to find out more before they get ready to make their mark once and for all at Scotland’s biggest inner-city music festival. One thing is for sure; expect the unexpected.

TTV: You’ve held a fairly elusive presence in Glasgow’s music scene up until this point. How did the band come about?

ALFIE: “We are actually all cousins and lovers, and we have been around for a very very very long time, it all started at Uncle Tom’s wedding back in 2003, we were all pretty wasted and what happened again?…Oh yes, sorry, I thought I misplaced my purse there, yes sorry so we were all pretty wasted and one thing led to another and we gigged in a little Welsh town by the name of, I can’t remember now, but since then we met each other frequently until 2014 and we managed to proclaim some musical instruments and a very peculiar encyclopaedia of all the characters from Eastenders dating from 2000-2015 that had a faint whiff of babycham upon opening the pages that we wangled off of our Uncle Harrison Charge, and that was it really.”

DEREK: “I was told that he was my uncle but later in life I found this to be false. Don’t see much of him anymore.”

TTV: We’ve yet to hear any recorded material from the band, how would you describe your music to those who have yet to see you live?

ALFIE: “See us live, seen us live. Well, well, well, we are a band, sometimes from Glasgow, sometimes from up north, sometimes somewhere. Originally we performed acapella with instrumental backing, unusual I know. None of us knew how to play an instrument except 2 of us. Me being the third but since then I’ve had great fun. The band is sound, if I were to describe it in 3 words I would have to say: dirty raw intimate rock.”

CLIVE: “We ‘ave 3 albums, numerous EP’s and a live album. You never heard of Wikipedia you ignorant twazzocks?”

ALFIE: Oh drop it Clive you’re really getting on me last nerve this afternoon! Sorry about him, we’ve been force feeding him a diet of nothing but low grade cocaine, semi skimmed milk, and peppers (green peppers, he hates the red ones an’ finks they’re of the occult which I frankly don’t get) since 1979. His time in Berlin didn’t leave him in the best of shapes, and we feel like it’s better to let him think he got on The Old Grey Whistle Test cause he never fuckin shuts up about it. He’s a bit of an eccentric our Clive hah hah. If he asks anyone to spit on him at the rock concert later this month, I recommend you don’t do it. Last guy who did that was Andy Warholl, and we all know how that ended.

DEREK: “Does anybody know where I have placed my pineapple slimeys? THEY ARE NOT IN MY LEATHER SATCHEL WHICH IS WHERE I USUALLY KEEP THEM!!!!!!!”

TTV: You’re coming back out of the shadows for this year’s Tenement Trail. Do you have any special memories of the festival and why should people come to see you on the night?

ALFIE: “Since headlining the Arlington back in 2009, me and my rock brothers have attended every year, gurgling sweet nectar from the Sauchiehall Street’s fookin’ lactating lagger tits and its connecting teats on adjacent lanes, as such. Making our debut is something.. Well it is definitely something. Dreams. Since we formed in 2015, we never really knew how far our honesty and passion would take us. We would be blessed if people came to see us at the rock concert.”

DEREK: “I sometimes find the restraints of being a “classic cock and bollocks band” very tiresome. I like trout and salmon but I also enjoy seafood.”

CLIVE: “Every Sunday, and by every Sunday I mean EVERY Sunday, we gather at the gates of Fir Park, hoping that one day, just one day, the ball will be kicked over. It has it’s ups and downs, this band, much like any relationship, but those Sundays in Motherwell just remind me of why I got into music in the first place. Just like Ringo predicted: peace and love and poo and boobs!”

ALFIE: “Pub bands?! Ur ‘ardly fookin nothing! We once got called a pub band after playing in a pub! As you were and goodnight boobs”

TTV: You’ve made a distinct impression at each gig so far. What kind of atmosphere do you strive to create at your shows?

ALFIE: “1st gig? Good gig! 2nd gig? Lobster in arsehole!”

CLIVE: “Kasabian are our biggest influence. We don’t even like their music. We just have the utmost respect for Sergio Paesano and I love the fact all of the band members are named after someone from the Swedish Chef cult which rose out of the ashes after ABBA’s untimely demise. We also respect and love Beaker from The Muppets.”

DEREK: “We are actually a very politically fuelled band, one of the family (OUR FAMILY) has just returned from a 12 month pilgrimage to the holy sacred temple of boobs and poo.”

TTV: You’ve described 2017 as ‘the year of the sludge’, what more can we expect from Sleaze Kidneys?

ALFIE: “2017 is almost over, next year you will see! Horny? Yes. Excited? Yes. Ready? Yes. Sludgey? Yes. Horny? Yes. Do I watch Game of Thrones? No. Do I want to? No. Who am I excited to see? Yes. What are we going to wear? 3.”

CLIVE: “I like Tenement Trail because of all of the incense that the bouncing staff ignite at the front door of the O2 ABC, it does a great deal for my asthma and helps to entice small children and animals to come to and see the headline act, which is the real quintessential festival crowd. The headliners always need children and animals to see them play, because it lets them know that rock and roll still counts and that guitars are still culturally relevant in pigeon circles.”

DEREK: “Yeah, that’s one fing we’ve struggled wiv since the NME died, nobody gives a voice to the pigeons anymore and people need to know what they’re thinking. There’s 6 pigeons in the UK for every person mate, if they decide we’re shit at rock and roll and want us all to die, then you better believe we’re fuckin shit at rock and roll and they will kill us”

TTV: As you mentioned you’re a very close unit, how does this relationship affect your creative process?

ALFIE: “We ain’t a bloody peep show an’ we do our loving behind closed doors”

DEREK: “Wot the fuck you on about Alfie, I’ve a wife who reads TTV articles, you fucking idiot.”

CLIVE: “”I’ve never set foot in Alfie’s anal cavity. We actually repulse each other, that’s the only way

we can continue to work together. Fuck Fleetwood Mac, that’s the real incest if you ask me mate